I have a weird relationship with my reflection. It's been an evolution.
I don't remember feeling one way or another about my reflection until I was a teenager. Somewhere around 7th grade I think I started fearing it. I was a real geek, totally awkward, no sense of fashion (shocking!) and I could barely be bothered to comb my hair. I hated to look at myself in the mirror and rarely did. I put on clothes my mom had bought me and ran a brush through my hair and walked off to school. If someone asked me what I was wearing or where my hair was parted I would have had to look to see, there's no way I would have known.
In high school I started to care about how I looked. I paid a little more attention. I shopped for my own clothes. But I still didn't look in the mirror except when I was sad. I would stare into the mirror for hours, watching tears stream down my face, examining every curve of cheek and nose and wondering what was wrong with me. Usually I was wondering why I couldn't have a boyfriend. What was wrong with my face?
I think my feelings about my reflection started to change when I got my first full length mirror after dropping out of college. I was living on my own, had my own apartment, and bought my own clothes. I would change my clothes sometimes 3 or 4 times before finally doing a few turns in front of the mirror and deciding I was satisfied.
When I was in Europe after college I started taking pictures of myself in mirrors. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I was really in the places I was in. I'd take pictures of myself in train station bathrooms, hostel bathrooms, pensiones bedrooms, wherever I could find a mirror. When I got back to the US those were my least favorite pictures, but I had proof of where I'd been.
In the last year or so my feelings about reflections have changed more still. I think it started with buying my digital camera. Suddenly I could take millions of pictures of myself until I got some I liked without wasting film. I carried it around with me everywhere and took pictures of myself as well as everything else. I started to like the face I saw, rather than cringing every time I saw a picture that had been taken. I had control of the angles and could crop at will. My feelings about pictures carried over to my feelings about mirrors.
I starting taking pictures of my reflections again, but unlike Europe, I took them not for the location but merely for the reflection. I started sending photos to The Mirror Project, a site that posts pictures that people have taken of their own reflections. I started to look for my reflection rather than just catching it periodically. I took pictures of myself in mirrors, windows, jewelry, anything that was shiny.
The odd thing now is when I take a picture of my reflection, I usually have a very straightforward look on my face. Sometimes a smile, but very straightforward. But when I see myself in a mirror, catch my reflection when I enter a bathroom or pass a window, I inevitably stick out my tongue or make a silly face. I'm not sure when this started or why, but it's a fact. I take it as a good sign.
I think I've finally gotten comfortable enough with my reflection that I can look at myself and laugh. I can make a funny face because I know the one I go back to after funny is pretty good, something I like. There are days when I'm not so thrilled with it; dark circles, pale, flushed, blemishes, dry skin; there are always small things. But overall I think it's ok. I no longer stare at myself for hours wondering what's wrong with me. The wrong things I know are wrong, but the right things outweigh them.
I wonder sometimes if I'm narcissistic, which would be a startling turn of events. I was never someone who loved myself too much. But instead I believe a quote I got from The Pursuit of Love by Nancy Mitford.
"I have often noticed that when women look at themselves in every reflection, and take furtive peeps into their hand looking-glasses, it is hardly ever, as is generally supposed, from vanity, but much more often from a feeling that all is not quite as it should be."
I think I look at myself in reflections to make sure all is as it should be, to see if anything interesting is happening (I sometimes find I'm gorgeous in very specific light and quite hideous in others, so I like to keep tabs on this), and to remind myself who I am. It's too often I start to feel like my 13 year-old self, my 23 year-old self, or worst of all, my 17 year-old self. I have to remind myself that I'm the 31 year-old with the bright red lipstick and confident stare. I need to remember, to keep the stare confident.
I'm participating in the 24 Hour Blogathon for charity on July 27/28th. I'll be updating my site every 30 minutes for 24 hours. I'll be loopy from sleep deprivation and heavily caffeinated. But I hope to make a lot of money for Global Fund for Women which supports women's human rights organizations around the world. Please sponsor me by clicking the Blogathon button below my pic on the left and filling out the form. Thanks.
Posted by Alyssa at July 16, 2002 10:32 PMThere is a book called "Lost in the Comsos" you can find here (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312253990/qid=1027012191/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_2/002-4969237-1865668) that delves into pieces of conciousness and why we have this weirdness in interacting with self. It's not a far off spirituality book - it deals a lot with semiotics and poses some interesting theories.
If you find it just glance over the first chapter and you'll be hoooked.
There is a book called "Lost in the Comsos" you can find here (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312253990/qid=1027012191/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_2/002-4969237-1865668) that delves into pieces of conciousness and why we have this weirdness in interacting with self. It's not a far off spirituality book - it deals a lot with semiotics and poses some interesting theories.
If you find it just glance over the first chapter and you'll be hoooked.