December 02, 2001

"The wind was wailing at the windows: it had wailed all day; but, as night deepended, it took a new tone--an accent keen, piercing, almost articulate to the ear; a plaint piteous and disconsolate to the nerves, trilled in every gust.

"Oh, hush! hush!" I said in my disturbed mind, dropping my work, and making a vain effort to stop my ears against the subtle, searching cry. I had heard that very voice ere this, and compulsory observation had forced on me a theory as to what it boded. Three times in the course of my life, events had taught me that these strange accents in the storm--this restless, hopeless cry--denote a coming state of the atmosphere unpropitious to life. Epidemic diseases, I believed, were often heralded by a gasping, sobbing, tormented, long-lamenting east wind. Hence, I inferred, arose the legend of the Banshee. I fancied, too, I had noticed--but was not philosopher enough to know whether there was any connection between the circumstances--that we often at the same time hear of disturbed volcanic action in distant parts of the world; or rivers suddenly rushing above their banks; and of strange high tides flowing furiously in on low sea-coasts. "Our globe," I had said to myself, "seems at such periods torn and disordered; the feeble amonst us wither in her distempered breath, rushing hot from steaming volcanoes."

"I listened, and trembled;..."
--Charlotte Bronte, Villette

The wind is insane here. I stood on Market Street today waiting for a bus with my hair flying. I love the wind usually. It's cold today though. And the threat, and sometimes more than a threat, of rain made me more nervous than happy. Yesterday the wind made the rain horizontal and soaked my jeans in two minutes. The wind is making me nervous.

"Rough wind, that moanest loud
Grief too sad for song;
Wild wind, when sullen cloud
Knells all the night long;
Sad storm, whose tears are vain,
Bare woods, whose branches strain,
Deep caves and dreary main, -
Wail, for the world's wrong!"
-Percy Bysshe Shelley, Dirge

The last few days have not been good ones. I've gone through a wide range of emotions. I was incredibly worried about a friend, relieved to find he was ok, angry for what he'd put me through, disappointed to find my illusions about him shattered, sad to find no solution to the way I feel, afraid that a longtime friendship may have to end, and finally incredibly lonely. The details are my own. The emotions are out there and anyone who's seen me over the last few days has felt them.

"Sorrow was like the wind. It came in gusts."--Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

I'm turning 31 in less than two weeks. I find myself analyzing where I am in contrast to where I was last year, as the momentous 3-0 approached. Last year I felt free, I'd emerged from a relationship in which I was unhappy, I had many good friends, I felt like I could do anything, I was ecstatically happy. This year I feel like, despite the good things in my life, I'm floundering. While I still feel like I could do anything, I don't know what it is I want to do. While I'm still free, I wonder if I'm missing something by not putting myself in the dating pool. While I still have some very good friends, some have moved away, some have moved away from me.

"It's an ill wind that blows no good."-- John Heywood

I see all the good in my life, and when I look at it objectively I know I'm happy, even when I don't feel it. I have a great apartment, where I live happily alone. I live near the ocean, something I always wanted. I have a job; that's enough these days. But I have a job where I like the people I work with, I like my boss, I'm good at what I do. I have a wonderful family whom I love. I have wonderful friends, no matter where they are, whom I love. I have a computer and a website. I have books to read. I have movies to watch. I have music to listen to. I have a great couch that I love to fall asleep on. I have a cat I love, even though I'm allergic to him. I have an ocean of possibilities still open before me, if I choose to see them.

"You're only misleadin' the sunshine I'm needin'
Ain't that a shame
It's so hard to keep up with troubles that creep up
from out of nowhere, when love's to blame

So ill wind, blow away
Let me rest today
You're blowin' me no good"--Harold Arlen

I'm trying to remember the good things and not dwell on the bad. I'm trying to keep perspective. I'm trying to get excited about birthday 31. I'm trying to remember that I usually love the wind.

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."--Kahlil Gibran

Posted by Alyssa at December 02, 2001 10:48 PM
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