March 13, 2002

I overslept this morning. It's something I do periodically. I still managed to get to work on time, but I had to skip my walk and take the train.

If I oversleep, it's usually for one of three reasons. 1. I did something wrong when I set my alarm, set it for p.m. instead of a.m. or hit the time button instead of the alarm button, or in the morning I groggily tried to reset the alarm rather than snooze and did something wrong. 2. I stayed up way too late and just keep snoozing without noticing the time, sometimes for as much as an hour and a half. Or 3. I'm dreaming so deeply I simply sleep right through the alarm. I guess it was the third this morning.

I have a friend I haven't heard from in almost a year, for reasons I can't explain. This morning I dreamt I was walking home from work and I saw him walking toward me, talking to someone else I know. My friend has dark hair, but in my dream the sun was behind him and his hair was light brown--sunkissed and tousled. He didn't see me. I walked past him without a word, I think not really believing I'd seen him. I walked a few steps then turned around. I walked back up to him and turned him around. I gave him a big hug. We talked a bit and everything was ok. I woke up thinking of that hug, still feeling it.

I was walking home tonight and the light was exactly like it was in my dream. Which is a little surprising since the light is never the same from one night to the next as I'm walking home. San Francisco's sunsets vary as much as the weather from day to day. But the light was just the same and the walk was just the same. And I kind of looked for him a little, though I knew there wasn't much chance of my running into him.

I seem to be losing a lot of people from my life lately, due to circumstances beyond my control. It occurred to me that I have some control over this situation. So when I got home I emailed him. I'm not good at making the first move. I'm a chicken. I'm afraid of rejection and afraid of anger. I would probably never have called him. Chock one up for the tech age.

Even if I don't hear from him, at least I tried. It's scary to put yourself out there. I feel better about myself for having done it. No one ever got anywhere being afraid. I try to remember that.

And maybe my dream this morning will come true. The circumstances--the light, the walk, the mutual friend--won't be the same I'm sure. But it was the hug that mattered.

Here's the sunset from tonight--pretty damned beautiful.

Posted by Alyssa at March 13, 2002 08:43 PM
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