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Ok, I've had it. Listen up kiddies. The only appropriate use of the word "bad" as a noun is in the case of "You have to take the bad with the good." You cannot use a possessive when using the word "bad" as a noun. You CANNOT say "my bad" as in "Sorry, that's my bad!"--this is not a grammatically correct statement.

You cannot own a bad, it's not a dog, it's not a thing to possess. You cannot wash and style your bad. You cannot pack your bad to take on a trip. You cannot take your bad to the park for a walk.

It's also a pathetic way of saying "I'm sorry" without having to say "I'm sorry." Do you really think "My bad" is an acceptable response when you've cut in front of someone in line? Do you think "My bad" absolves you when you taped over your roommate's favorite show? Will you say "My bad" to your wife after cheating on her and think that makes it all better?

I don't care if you hear it EVERYWHERE now, on TV, amongst friends, even in magazines and newspapers. It's wrong. It's insincere, it's bad grammar, and it drives me INSANE. Please stop. I beg of you.

Plus it gives you genital warts. Really. Don't do it.

Thank you.
posted by Alyssa Wodtke 9:55 PM link

I have a counter on my site. That's the little thing that counts how many people visit my website and gives me various information about the people who visit. I know how they found my site, what country they came from, what browser they use, what search criteria they entered to find me on google or other search engines. It's pretty cool. It's also a little disturbing. Here are some of the things people have searched for then ended up finding me:

sarah and vinnie

birthday spankings

girls blowing bubblegum bubbles

katie couric and boots

squirrel weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Angelina Jolie's religion

ramen makes me feel cheap

sarah jessica parker

sacramento studio apartment

dressed as wonder woman

bay to breakers police nude

kate spade nude pics

lychee cartoons

vanilla sky quotes

Got Milk? La Llorona

sunset pics

his loafer toe

norma rae protest

high heels pointed toes

female ejaculation movie

stuart weitzman lucite

halloween dressed in drag

viccolo pizza, san francisco

see-through blouse pics

strapless bra costume red

picture marilyn monroe

puddle of mud lead singer

stolen pics of j-lo naked

These are actually fairly clean searches. Usually I have a lot more hits from searches for nude pics of so and so, sometimes of teenage girls which is extra disturbing. I used to get a lot of hits from searches for pictures of people jumping out of the WTC towers which bothered me a lot, since I never put one of those pics on my site--finding them too horrible to publicize.

I understand why people found my site with a lot of the searches, for instance I did Bay to Breakers and posted pics, Norma Rae I mentioned in reference to a union protest I went to, that sort of thing. Some I kind of get, like I mentioned J. Lo in one of my postings but I didn't say anything about her being nude, never the less posted any pics of her, nude or otherwise. I've mentioned Viccolo pizza, drag Halloweens, and god knows the shoe searches are bound to find me.

But I get a huge (relatively speaking) number of hits from people looking for female ejaculation sites. At first I was boggled. Then I kind of remembered a comment my friend Kendra made once, when I first made my website. She said it was great, but she hoped I wouldn't start writing about intensely personal and embarrassing-to-read subjects like female ejaculation. I suspected I had mentioned it somewhere in my site. So I decided to do a google search of my own and find out where female ejaculation appeared on my site.

Eventually I came across the posting I'd made:

"I find that I feel much more free in my blogging since the Blogathon and perhaps I don't have to have something especially deep to talk about to post something. But don't worry, Kendra, I won't start talking about female ejaculation..."

However, I had to sift through more sex and porn websites than I realized existed to find it. After page after page of female ejaculation education sites (my favorite: "Tantric Journey to Female Orgasm Unveiling the G-Spot & Female Ejaculation LET YOUR WATERS FLOW!") I decided to add + Alyssa to my search to try to narrow the field down. Interestingly, adding Alyssa made things worse. Suddenly the sex ed sites gave way to straight porn sites.

Apparently Alyssa is becoming a popular porn name. Aside from the literally hundreds of sites promising pictures of Alyssa Milano nude (I had the name before her, incidentally), I came across lots of lovely versions of Alyssas. There was Alyssa Allure who starred with Candy Apples in one of her films. There was Alyssa Love and Alyssa Haven and Alyssa Rae--a "Sexy blonde bombshell showing you her goods!"

My favorite was Alyssa Alps. The "Mountainous Mams Of Alyssa Alps!" was well advertised. I couldn't help it, I actually went to her site. They were mountainous. You've got to love this description: "Alyssa's a fresh-faced young strumpet. She sizzles in "Head Over Heels" and has received critical acclaim with her small, yet very hot performance in "LapTop"."

I did eventually find my own post, which seemed sadly tame after all that had come before it. I almost forgot to look for it, so intrigued was I by my namesakes. Seeing my site surrounded by page upon page of porn made me laugh. I imagine sleazy little men poring through porn, looking for something to stare at while touching themselves, coming across my humble site. They find shoes, style comments, and deep thoughts about sunsets. But hey, whatever works for you.

Welcome perverts, nude pic seekers, and Alyssa Alps fans. I'm the USA of websites--I embrace all surfers, regardless of race, sex, sexual preference, religious leanings, or misguided desires. Let this hereafter be known as Alyssa Alp's melting pot!

Can you imagine how many more hits I'll get now that I've said female ejaculation 20 times? Ah, the irony.


posted by Alyssa Wodtke 9:33 PM link

A girlfriend of mine this weekend said to me, "I think I'm going to forget men for awhile and only have relationships with women."

First of all, this is not an unusual statement to hear in San Francisco. Secondly, I couldn't think of anything to say to change her mind.

My response:
"It's nice you have that option."

I don't think I have any straight friends. They all seem to have varying degrees of alternate sexuality. Which means I'm the abnormal one. It's like being white and finding yourself in a primarily Hispanic or Asian neighborhood, both experiences I've had. It's a peculiar position to be in, when you've been part of the ethnic majority all your life. I'm suddenly incredibly, self-consciously pale and tall.

I often wish I could join my alternately sexual friends as women do seem to be somewhat easier to deal with. Or at least, as a woman, I might have a better idea how they work. Then again, I'm often confused by how I work, so who knows.

I do think I tend to have more of a male mentality when it comes to emotions and love and such. I'm not much for marriage or children. I'm hopeless when someone puts a baby in my arms. I'm not so great with the touchy-feely talk about your feelings part of a relationship. Frankly, if it wasn't for my love of kitten heel mules and flirty skirts it would be hard to convince people I'm not really alternately sexual (in a fly to Sweden kind of a way).

However, having stereotypically male personality traits; which frankly I think just comes from my feminist upbringing, feeling I'm just as good as a man, and perhaps taking it a little too far; does not mean I'm gay. In fact, I'm coming out of a very San Francisco closet for the first time on my site--I'm straight. Hopelessly mainstream. My options are limited to less than half of the population. In fact, significantly less than half the population in SF.

Once you take out the women, gay and straight, the gay men, the married men, the stupid men, the men over 50, the men who don't bathe (mostly found on Muni buses), the men who only date blond Marina women, and the men who buy insanely expensive cars as some form of compensation...well, that doesn't leave many men. In fact, that may leave only the men I've already dated. And that's not a large number.

None of this is to say I'm actively out there looking. I'm still relishing my freedom, a year and a half after I retrieved it, and not looking to get tied down again. But my girlfriend made me think. She hops from one relationship to another, with varying degrees of commitment. Not in a fickle sort of a way, but just hopping along because when one relationship ends, it doesn't take her long to find someone else. She's beautiful, free-spirited, smart, creative, completely honest...and is just as happy with a woman as she is with a man. Her dating pool is at least twice as large as mine. It's like that old joke--marry a transvestite and double your wardrobe. Be a bi-sexual and double your dating closet. Something like that.

The bottom line is--I'm not hopping fences, learning to bat for the other side, or doubling my closet. It's beyond me. But I'm happy for those who can. I'm happy for my friend for having the option to choose women for awhile. And I'll stick it out in SF despite the shallow pool. I'm not quite ready to start wading in anyway.

posted by Alyssa Wodtke 10:01 PM link

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